31+

I am losing it.

At 11:40 am today, I completed 31 years.

Blew out the candles, cut a cake last night at midnight, slept and came back to work today. Its probably for the very first time that I felt time is running out for me. I am sure it wd get a bit more scary everyday to retrospect. This is the hip hop generation, and I cant help feeling very retro. Very 80s/90s. At times I feel, I am still trying to live in that old old world, in those old old times. And I feel I could have given myself that wee bit more time to plan my life a wee bit better. 

I feel I am getting farther and farther from where I want to be, sort of like veering of course (not stagnating), under the force of a rotating pivot that thrusts me outwards on a tangent when I am trying my best to get inside, to the center.

Priorities are beginning to shift from ‘achieving’ to ‘finding meaning’. Not sure if thats uphill or downhill. I find it hard to be over-exuberant about things. There is instead a deeper sense of satisfaction when I learn something new, or do a job well. An adventure trek does not excite me anymore, nor does a late night drive for nothing. A good book, a good conversation, a good standup act seem to be more worthwhile.

I need more meaning. If this is it, then there isn’t enough out here.